Sixteen Candles

I haven't seen that movie in so long, so it may be entirely inappropriate, but we'll just go with it.

SIXTEEN!! Emily Grace, my Emmy G, turns sixteen today.

For her birthday present, Earl and I brought her out to California for a week with her *favorite* sister and brother-in-law.  We had a blast.  We went to the beach a few times, watched crazy surf crash the shore, saw Gumby & Pokee run by, ate ice cream on the pier, had a few skateboard lessons, chased seagulls, visited Alcatraz (and made it out!!), hung out with the Chinese in Chinatown, ate crab at Fisherman's Wharf, woke up WAY too early a few days, took a nap on the side of the I-5 so we wouldn't die driving home, had some Taco Bell, went on a ferris wheel and closed our eyes so we wouldn't be too scared, had some ice cream in Ghiradelli Square, watched TV, trekked across the Golden Gate bridge, got in the way of bikers on said bridge, listened to Earl play guitar, rode cable cars, saw about 60 fat and lazy and OH SO CUTE sea lions and watched the sunset over the Pacific Ocean.

Lots of memories, lots of love, a few tears, a little bit of attitude (mine - I was so tired!).

A great trip for a sweet awesome fantastic little sister.

I hope this trip burns into your heart and mind how much we both love you. You are worth every penny spent and more! Happy birthday!! I love you!!

Worship Is...

The theme over the past week has been "worship."  What is worship? How is it displayed in our lives?

After flying back home to California from Canada last year, I went to a Ladies' Study and the teaching was on worship and how it's displayed in our lives.  This is what I shared that Tuesday evening last October.

Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house; and a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys feeding beside them, when the Sabeans raided them and took them away—indeed they have killed the servants with the edge of the sword; and I alone have escaped to tell you!” 

While he was still speaking, another also came and said, “The fire of God fell from heaven and burned up the sheep and the servants, and consumed them; and I alone have escaped to tell you!” 

While he was still speaking, another also came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three bands, raided the camels and took them away, yes, and killed the servants with the edge of the sword; and I alone have escaped to tell you!” 

While he was still speaking, another also came and said, “Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house, and suddenly a great wind came from across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell on the young people, and they are dead; and I alone have escaped to tell you!” 

Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.” 

Worship is choosing to give God the glory due His name not because of our circumstances, but in spite of our circumstances.

Now, at that point, I had dissolved into a puddle of tears and I couldn't say anything else, but I would add that when we are at that place of being able to praise His name in the storm, it's sweet to Him. Our praise is that sweet smelling aroma.  The teaching at church today was on John 12 when Mary anoints Jesus' feet with the costly oil.  When our worship costs us something, when it comes from brokenness, it fills our lives and those around us with the fragrance.

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name.  Hebrews 13:15

Six Months...A Year Later

Here we are. A year after we found out what we had been suspecting for a month or so - the cancer had spread.

The day before I had passed the third and final part of my Enrolled Agent certification exam and the office threw me a celebration breakfast.  After lunch I got a call from Mommy.  It was hard to understand her. Her speech was all but gone from the effects of radiation and biopsies.  I thought she said we wouldn't know more for six more months. What she was really saying was "The doctors said I only have six more months to live."

To this day it still knocks the breath out of my lungs and my chest tightens. 

I went home, collapsed on my bed in a puddle of tears and wondered "Why?" Not in a "How dare you God" way, but a "Help me to see" way.

Last week my friend said that she was grateful that we have a God who is bigger than our understanding, because if we could figure Him out, what would be the point of serving Him? 

Last year I couldn't see that six months would really only be six weeks.

Last year I couldn't see the depth of pain that losing her would leave me with.

Last year I couldn't see her asking me "Am I still alive? I haven't died yet?" in the middle of the night at the hospital.

In God's grace, He didn't allow me to see.  He allowed me to be confused and in the dark so I could face the next day, the next moment, the next year.

He also did not show me that my pain would allow me to comfort others and share what I had learned.  Or that through this year we would grow closer to Him and to each other. 

I sense the beginning of the wave of emotions as we come closer to six weeks from now.  And I am grateful that God does not show us more than we can handle on any given day.  Friends, take comfort in knowing that what He shows us and allows to take place in our lives is always good and full of grace. In His compassion, He worked this out for our good. And yes, that means, that He felt it was best to take her HOME than to leave her with us.  I know that was good and full of grace - even if I can't see it.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Bruised to Comfort Others

Earl and I went to UCI Medical Center today during my lunch break.  A friend's mom (who is also a friend) was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She was supposed to have surgery today to remove the cancer.  I texted my friend this morning and asked if I could come by during my lunch break.  I know our family usually could use the extra support while we were sitting waiting around - at the very least, it gave us new conversation topics. When we arrived, both she and her dad were upstairs getting an update from the doctors.

Forty minutes later they came downstairs and puffy eyes quickly signaled it was time for us to leave.  We apologized and tried to slip by them, but her dad stopped us and shared with the few friends waiting that once the doctors began the surgery they discovered the cancer was also present in her liver.  We hugged them and left them to the decisions, conversations, and tears I knew would be coming.

An hour later I texted her and she wrote back that if there was anyone who understood, she knew I did.

I knew that one day I would be in this position - comforting someone else going through the loss of someone to cancer. Situations and trials are not wasted in God's economy. He orchestrates our lives to help and support each other. This is actually the third time I have done it since Mommy's passing. But it is the first time the situation so closely mirrored our situation.

So, these are the things I am praying for them: to have faith to believe God still performs miracles, to put their hope in His unfailing love and His mercy, to trust His goodness, to have joy in the days to come, to learn about heaven and encourage each other with eternity. I pray that they would love deeper and continued trust, faith and hope for the next situation. And I pray for comforting arms in the middle of the night, peace when they don't understand, and meaningful time.

Happy Birthday!

Tonight on the phone you said you don't like to make a big deal out of your birthday, but if we want to we can. But you, my sweet little sister, are worth celebrating and making a big deal about.  So in honor of your twentieth birthday, here is a list of some of my favorite memories and characteristics of your life:

1. You re-cracking your head when I was babysitting you after school one day. There was so much blood all over the room. Who knew one little head could bleed so much?!

2. You loved your Simba doll. I remember you wearing a sunflower outfit with the little floppy hat, sucking your fingers and carrying that Simba doll.

3. You have the most pure smile. It lights up a room and the joy that sparkles in your eyes is amazing.

4. You led a classmate to the Lord in your Sunday school class at CCMiami at the age of 4. Your love for the Lord has always been evident. 

5. When you were in middle school you reached out to others even though your personal world was rocky.

6. You work so hard to make others feel celebrated, but hate the attention on yourself - but that just makes us want to pour more out :o)

7. You never give up on friends or family or the Lord. Even when we blow it, let you down and don't meet your expectations.

8. I remember building camps and forts on Saturday nights with you. Eating pork and beans and watching movies.

9. When we went on our sister trips, you did a great job of being a better me. You helped keep everyone moving forward, but did it with more grace than I could ever have.

10. You treat your sisters to all kinds of cool things - like going to Mission Island to look at deer.

11. You drove up and down Minnesota for a year so you could be by Mommy's side even though it wore you to the bone.

12. You stop to look for corn fields to run through just because.

13. You sing worship songs with me when my voice breaks from the tears.

14. I have this one picture of you from the 5810 house when you were sitting in the tree branches with a bandana on your head. It's one of my most favorite pictures in the world and it reminds me of you being little, cute and cuddly. Don't worry - you're still cute and cuddly ;o)

15. I have another picture where I am kissing your forehead and then sun is shining through us. I smile when I see it. You are so precious.

16. When your little sisters can't fall asleep at night, you crawl into bed with them.

17. Come to think of it, you never turn down a reason to go to sleep....hmmm....

18. You are hardworking and yet full of grace when others don't work as hard.

19. Remember that time you picked Earl and me up from the airport and we drove back to TBay with Earl *smelling* up the car the whole way? Fun times. 

20. Remember all those late night phone calls, staying up late talking together, sharing our hearts, working through issues, commiserating with and encouraging each other? Best times.

I love you KBelle. You are my Svenska. I am so glad you were born. I am glad to celebrate your life. Our lives would truly be incomplete without you. Thanks for being one of my best friends. I hope you have a great birthday and that you feel loved and celebrated. Because your worth it.

Everlasting Peace

Clearly my blogging track record is pretty sad, but more so in the last few months.  Life is not what it was.  And yet, I can't help but think that she is so much better off.  If you have read my posts in the past, you know that there is a little girl, Daisy Love Merrick, who has been fighting cancer since 2009.  She was diagnosed shortly before Mommy was and she was declared cancer free only to have it reoccur soon after.  She is undergoing intense chemotherapy and the family is looking into other treatment options.  The tumor is gone, but they are fighting any remaining cancer cells.

Yesterday her dad posted a prayer request on Facebook. 

Daisy's blood counts are really low from chemo. She is bleeding out of her mouth A LOT tonight. Please pray that it stops.

My heart breaks for them and I am grateful.  We are not fighting this dreadful disease anymore. We aren't worrying about this bump or that ache. The hospital visits, doctor appointments, filling prescriptions, tests and biopsies, tube feedings - it has all ended. 
 

We have peace and comfort.  While other things in this life continue to worry me and I still ache and hurt and miss, I have peace.

 

She is safe in His arms. Her pain is gone. Her reward has come.

Jump Right In

Okay, too much to try to update everyone on the last month of activity in the Mergelsberg household, so let's just jump right in.

Today I am ...

... not that motivated at work

... looking forward to my classical pilates mat class tonight at YogaWorks

... enjoying listening to the Wednesday night studies podcast from my church

... missing my sisters and thinking about past Sister Trips and what we might do this year

... proud of my sissy Emily for doing so much better in school despite life being so hard

... praying for little Milly Fiorito who is sick and in the hospital (and her parents and brothers)

love love love,

Melinda